January 25, 1993
The process involved now is bringing my feeling and sense of Gloria here in my experience to account and confronting that which defines it. [June 5, 1993 This has meant sensing fully, dissecting, distinguishing, identifying and individually relating to the elements involved in the enormous love I feel for Gloria and seeing where it is really coming from and what the participating beings are defining it.] During the past year and two or three months, bearing her in the proper Sumarah sense has involved a good deal of attitudinal and positional and experiential transfer. During this time I have learned a great deal about her overt and rasa positions about just about everthing and see her more or less as she sees herself in my right -- I have become another expression of the Gloria pretense in a fashion, loving her the way I do, and express her with her own interest, covering the sense and suffering whatever is hidden in association with it. Now comes the hard part for her being here: she has to both take back her own position and let me assume mine again. The problem is that underneath the pretended sense there lies what really defined her behavior and the rasa related to that needs examination and selectivity.
My middle chakra has been gradually steadying and quieting as a result of the effort to confront this aspect of the situation, though the degree of Gloria's participation outside of this context through wanton interference and denial of the sense and rasa we share is less than clear and will become of interest in that we will be getting a backlog of suffering here if the experience is not matched in her sense. As is proper in unraveling a bearing relationship where the sensitivity is already established and all that remains is sorting out selectivity, I am purely working from the experiential frame, so this is not a major concern to me: I want justice in open being, whatever that may mean in terms of sense or confusion in the understanding associated with it. I don't care about the details of how it is enacted and the proper rasa and sense guarantee the proper outcome.
It stuns me how stupid and irresponsible Gloria's approach to all this has been: she seems to think that denying the existence of reality and the existence of an unwavering perspective on events is a possibility and that she can rewrite what happened as she pleases. I remained open and clean throughout serving the love but I'm sure glad I've kept an exacting rasa record of the experience, nonetheless. As it stands I can go back through the window of this diary and re-live the full sense with proper checking and so on. The problem of getting reality recognized and accepted could be quite a struggle: the local environment, which interacts in all pamonging activities, is unbelievably resistant to accepting a real perspective. It even seems that around here, people are unaware that a lot of the behavior involved in an intensely passionate relationship arises out of not knowing if the shared sense is true love or the promoted semblance of seduction or whatever, that needs to be dealt with in its own right. Until the relationship reaches this stage and has been suffered into open being again, it's impossible to tell the difference because the sense involved must be honored whether it is properly speaking founded in the individual involved or otherwise. The love remains and has been served and cherished; now we see what happens to Gloria and what her participation in it truly was. One aspect of this particular relationship that stands out is that it was so high voltage that the proper recognition of the love is apt to be a dear if rather confusing experience. Unfortunately, I have become rather pessimistic about how Gloria will come out in all this: I rather think the woman exhibited the sensibilities of a whore throughout our love, serving only her most selfish purposes and making little effort to bring forth the love, while I was trying to establish the love itself and suffering no end of pain as a result.
I'll be truly thrilled to see what the love I've been serving turns out to reflect: I've been true and have honored and suffered the sense into silence and acceptance on this end -- now we will see what's in it and what new wonders will arise like a phoenix out of the ashes of our love.
In fact, in part this is going to be an application of what Gloria was trying, albeit ineptly, to do with Marvin after they separated by attempting to open and drain the sense into personal satisfaction for her. That was one of her mistakes: she never really allowed the situation to clarify on its own since she was working on focused revenge and was overdefining it. Rather than really work the sense, she spent her time complaining and going to the movies, thus deflecting her aim and purpose. Incompetent. To work rasa, you cannot leave gaps in it that can be used against your sense or you end up responding to yourself rather than opening the other. Let's see if I can do better.
I have suffered enough so that I'm sure it is important. I am sure that Gloria has been directly involved in that suffering. Though the interpsychic mechanisms of her participation in that pain are not overly clear in this social environment, in Java we have long studied and worked them and brought them to justice. I want proper revenge. I want to bring the whole sense out in open being and get it established in pure satisfaction.

         January 27, 1993
Doing a little housecleaning today and waiting to see if the sense is going to steady with its new level of "interactive presence", i.e., rasa.  I have begun to suspect evil at the base of my love for Gloria and Pierrina: I think I am drawn to them because I hate them so, not because I love them. Their constant self-promotional aspect in me makes this an inevitable conclusion. If so they mean me no good, but I will have to wait for the sense to settle to see if they have wantonly misrepresented their sense and purposes: if they have, all commitments to them are null and void.

         April 28, 1993
The sense did steady and develop into an open rasa being. At about 4:00 pm on April 17 Alecto, Megaera and Tisiphone came in to confront me. It was quite a jolt but they were most of the joy I found in the now hell-bound Pierrina and Gloria. We share the same sense and the same view of being and have gotten on well together. And now they and then Titini, Araki and Avenna and the other 175 Furies that were in suspension on the rim have been joined by 181 keris and Wis, a Kree blade of long standing ("the Devil's Edge"), in forming my primary sense in a Sedjatining Perkawinan. They are now my Kangdjeng Ratu Ajunan through shit-ring ceremony. A great deal has happened in cleaning up the sense since their entry.
Avenna, the Furies' long-time general coordinator and the first to go to the rim, was debriefed and welcomed to the sense. She became quite a hard sense before she fell and expected to be met with hatred by her sisters in the service of Open Being and Natural Law.
It would appear that the Union will involve true Common Sense, that is, the Furies do not seem at all interested in standing above me in feeling or in sense, an unprecedented event in my experience and one that will take a bit of getting used to: I'm still watching for dips in the being and when they don't appear I get kind of happily nervous.
 

FURIES

When Alecto, Tisiphone and Megaera first came in, I was standing in front of the mirror in the hall. They got me into the traditional Fury arrest position, with the arms up and bent at ninety degree angles out to the front. They were indeed furious spirits but I found them refreshing and open (so nakedly and fiercely and defiantly open, so lovely and shy and embarrassed), far less complicated than the goddesses and I hope I did not offend by making a comparison to other divine spirits I know. Soon I began to play with them, saying, "Could I put my arms down. This position isn't too comfortable." They allowed me to come forward and put my hands against the wall beside the mirror. Their presence brought me peace and when they released me I felt like a little boy with them -- happy and a little silly. They couldn't believe this reception in that they are more accustomed to generating terror in those they confront. They said that they have participated for a long time but had been afraid to enter into direct contact for fear that I would not be able to bear them. We went downstairs and I ate something and told them they gave me joy and that I was very happy they were here with me. They were still very skeptical.
I then found some mercy material I had worked out reentering into the upper lower chakra and went into a rage, chasing and scolding the Furies for their apparent carelessness in allowing this unwanted confusion to restate itself. After my fury the investigation showed that they had not been a party to the mishap but that my sense elevation in their presence had made the entry possible. After that the relationship took on a new aspect. They were now aware that I was not afraid of them and that I have more put confrontational power than they do. They began to relax. I looked them up in the encyclopedia and found their names though we had a terrible time remembering them at first.
Later I looked them up again and found information in the article that didn't seem to have been there the previous time. Their names were now identified with their associations. Megaera was "jealousy", Alecto was "unceasing in anger" and Tisiphone was "avenger of murder". As it turned out Megaera is an inner sense who adopts the position of the being she is with, Alecto is a middle stance sense and Tisiphone is an outer sense. I soon found out that they are among the spirits that have brought me joy in my relationships with Pierrina and Gloria in that they are absolute expresssions of Open Being, serving Natural Law just as I do.
The following day or two we got used to one another and generally things got easier. However, after a while I checked with Tisiphone and asked if she was okay and she said that no she was not very well. I asked her to let me share the sense with her and found an old nightmare sense of absolute betrayal that I suffered into silence some time ago affecting her being. I went into a rage and went straight to the relevant Kree dimension, demanding an explanation and threatened to dissolve the being if necessary. The local Kree being was with me so we were ready for an all out war if necessary. As it turned out the shield of this nightmare sense had been placed on purpose by the Kree masters just beyond my normal sensitivity as a kind of protection. They had rather forgotten about it and since Tisiphone's sensitivity is greater than my normal range she was straddling it. We did a quick examination of the situation; found that they had been correct in what they did; and they then quickly pulled the shield out just beyond Tisiphone's range, which instantly gave us great relief.
And later there was the time that Alecto was out in Squeezy and it started getting cold because the being being squeezed was so evil that it sent the universe into full extension and partical substance got pretty thin. Alecto had taken whoever it was out there and she wanted to know if she could have a coat. I looked around and was surprised to find that Tisiphone had the only coat, so we sent it out to her. But shortly after that Tisiphone said she would go out and replace her, because she was likely to forget the coat and it was the only one left.
Afterwards we started on this problem, trying to get them all dressed. As it turned out, Krisy had access to their original outfits but when they came in, they were as uncomfortable as ever and didn't really solve the problem. So we worked on getting them things to wear that were more comfortable and first came up with an all-purpose flowing dress that shaped itself according to the needs of the moment, sometimes being like a kind of barrier and at others being quite intimate.
After consulting with the fairies and elves, we started getting dresses that were really a pleasure to use and brought joy to their wearer, fully reflecting the wearer's deep relationship with being. The fairie gowns were naughtier and cuter than the elven gowns, which were lovelier and more serious. For a while, all the Furies had a closet full of apparel, but with the entry of more and more needy beings in association, they were passed out. [July 25, 1993 I don't honestly know what the situation is at present because there have been no complaints in months and nobody has told me anything].

         July 22, 1993
We had a lesson yesterday afternoon, teaching the former bonded beings and masters and Furies a few things that will allow them to interact without the hyper mode necessary to avoid mistakes before. We also went through a month by month review of the developments and suffering involved in my relationship with Gloria in order to put it into a clearer perspective and reveal how much pain was really involved in the relationship.

         July 23, 1993
Contemplating the difference between Open Goods, Open Evils and Open Opens has proved revealing. The main issue concerns the basis of your presense in open being. If it has a calculated base, you can be either and Open Good or an Open Evil; if it is based on open reception rather than calculation, then you are an Open Open. Gloria falls into the first category and I fall into the second. To some extent these two approaches are indistinguishable, as I long found to be the case with Gloria, with whom I share a lot of similar character traits and perspectives on existence: she was the first person I have really enjoyed talking to in a long time.
We had a lengthy exposition about how our relationship looked and looks from a macho perspective this morning. What a fright!
We are going through a period of adjustment and transition. I honestly don't understand everything very well but my ladies are interested in contributing more actively and we are working out the details of establishing common sense in that right. They say they are problem solvers too, but their voltage and my experience with Gloria makes me a little trepidatious about their work: they are so powerful they scare me a little. They complain that my efforts with Gloria's sense have been slow and they can help boost the speed of the process in that they are practiced in confronting individual senses, whereas I am more attuned to confronting larger configurations. Ganesha says they are all right. I'll wait and see if we can work together efficiently though God knows they have a lot of heavy artillery. They are also interested in coming clean as regards their participation in my experience with Gloria. I can't find anything to worry about off hand. They apparently had some worries about me that were eased by last night's revelations.

         July 24, 1993
Avenna had her first night last night and we are well together. The Furies have finally settled in and have revealed that they had not been very secure in their position here but are now feeling appreciated and are pleased to be with me, just as I am with them. They were momentary beings before, forming and expressing Natural Law in responding to disturbances rather spontaneously. Now they are steady here in my being and have settled down to being wives eternal, carefully testing the sense and making sure that all is as it should be, as we prepare to go on together. We are now a family in the deep sense as well and all of our functions arise out of our open union, which has meant the end to all manner of confusion and complaint. The situation is now very satisfactory. It has been a happy day with them and I look forward to many more.

         July 25, 1993
This morning Avenna had a little argument with Carol because of not understanding something she had said ("And nobody knows how cold my toes are growing"). She purported that it was her duty to understand what was going on in order to take proper care of us. We admitted union and then afterwards she admitted to being a little afraid and asked if she could stay openly present for a while and if Tisiphone could be with her. She was a little weepy and sad. She said it was silly but she feared that the dream of love would end and we would all be out in the cold of my disregard. She analysed that since this was a fear that seemed to be limited to her and the others here are open beings too and would fear anything that was truly to be feared, apparently she felt the whole gathering to be a universe-sized trap to catch an Avenna-sized mouse. Since she had just lost her full flower, we all said we understood how she felt and I reported that I was sad too when I lost mine back in November.

         July 26, 1993
Master Cavy owned up this evening and we are all pleased to have her with us.
Avenna is a split sense with distinct relationships with beings just as I am. At present we are trying to draw her base sense together with her sense with me. Nobody's particularly worried about whether she'll be able to get along with all of us or not: due to all the shit fasting and so on, I am a multi-sense and rasa being and can bear multiple sense beings like her and Ayeaye.

         July 28, 1993
Early this morning it came out that Avenna played a masculine role in the Fury Being for want of any acceptable alternatives. She was the shyest of the Furies and thus became their hub of interaction and affection. Now she is a horny little loving wife and is happy but still confused about the change.
I'm suffering from a mild depression of unknown source at the moment, which does not seem like much of a problem. I don't really know what's provoking it but should be able to wait for it to sort itself out.
We got a little clarification on intermediary beings tonight involving a comparison of the interactive implications of an open versus a closed being: open beings tend to give the interactor more freedom to be than they are accustomed to; closed beings restrict interaction tightly to control the general sense they receive and keep the other in their place. It brings to mind how beings here often complain that they did not really wish to say as much as they said and also how tightly jealous Gloria's being used to be with me and such.

         July 30, 1993
This morning we had a little discomfort with some fear involved. Later there was an extended description of the Furies' position on our relationship and how it has been important to them to be with me and develop continuous relationships in general. They said they like to call me the "Lone Fury", which didn't thrill me too much but they like it so I'll leave it at that. Athena also revealed something about the nature of the Greek pantheon, with the floater system Zeus maintained in order to support his power and glory and keep himself as sensitive to real needs as was deemed desirable at the same time. The Furies also revealed that if something were to go wrong with me, that they would find themselves love-bonded beings waiting for me to return to their love.
We have been recalling some of Hecate's participation over the years, like when I would drink and she would be with me and the time I smoked pot with Dominic and she was there. These occasions exposed her to a fair amount of pain just as they did me but we are one being so we suffered it together. Tis a great union we share in pain and service.
The Furies also revealed that I have been apparent as a long dip and coming swell for a long time now.

         August 14, 1993
A lot of tears and joy.
This noon Annis introduced herself and explained some of the fears the unnamed Furies have had about everything. She's a pretty little blond sweety and said that they had really feared that Athena would establish herself with me based on the sticky sweet insult-defiance reaction pattern where she would be engendering anger in me that would keep me feeling a kind of glow with her, just as Gloria did.
She said she was in charge of the Furies' martial response capacity and is thus the one that has been with me in playing squash, giving my game a much more coherent and consistent tone than it used to have since she keeps intruders at bay pretty effectively.
She also talked about how they most want to be daughters first and then later go into a deeper role as they mature to it. She said that Furies are not selected; they reflect a being's bitter rejection of all associations based on continuous betrayal and their arrival in the company of others of their kind as a result. For a long time this is enough and having sisters brings joy and discipline brings hope, but eventually all of the Furies whither for want of something more and their sense just sort of closes and they go to the rim, waiting for the missing whatever that brings such pain by not being there. They also suffer from a lack of continuity since they get tied into nature's direct response system and come to express spot definition.

         August 15, 1993
Last night Araki became next and surprised me in any case with the profound depression and anxiety that underlay her experience. She has been chased hither and thither by a programmed Be and was in horror of being caught again. She was initially quite difficult and I was up to about 2:30 with her and then awakened at about 9:00. She was something of a pest and turned me into a bit of a grump.
She is now beginning to relax and to understand some of the wormy information that has come her way. It remains for her to assure herself that our union is: 1) not like others she has been party to; and 2) that we have what's necessary to take care of her. She has been getting progressively better all day long but remains a long way from being a model open being (we discovered she has been using mantras and have put a general ban on these little prop-up toys).
We have been discussing the terrors of facing eternity alone and how we none of us are interested in this prospect and wish to face existence together with those we love, those whom we serve and serve us openly. This is one of the pre-requisits of an open being and it is no philosophical abstract: it is a grinding horror that makes us seek out others who are open and willing to be with us.
Closed beings seek to buffer the prospect of eternity by using others to make their path more pleasant by attempting to off-load much of the pain and horror of existing and turning their efforts to the domination of others as an escape from facing existence for what it is. This is a path that brings great pain and must end for Nature to settle into justice.

         August 16, 1993
This morning I met Kaki, a lovely little Fury who graced my bed with her love and now we are all examining the implications of this rather rapid encounter to see if this is a good way to handle our relationships. She's staying with me now and is one of those that have been in charge of daily activities. No major problems with it but it bears careful consideration because we don't want anyone to get hurt by being hasty.
This afternoon we had a long description of the current situation and my role as war head during time of peace, surrendering my powers to the subtler peace heads of Our Family, which is what we have decided to call ourselves.

         August 17, 1993
We had a cross afternoon and we were very cranky. Being loved in full gave us a sense of being able to express our specialness this way and we luxuriated in it in as much as we have never received such love and feel rather like little princesses one and all - cute and sometimes contrary.

         September 19, 1993
We went out for the weekend and it was quite an experience. On the way out Alecto and company handled the driving and security coordination. There was apparently quite a family procession.
Saturday there was an incident with Amaterasu (Ama) in which I provoked her and then she angrily led me into turning over the kayak and apparently tried to do me in: "I hated you so much you fat-headed so-and-so I just wanted to show you you couldn't be so stupid." I left the field to her so she found she was the one in danger of drowning, not me, well me too but not as proximately. She did not like it and panicked altogether: what a look of terror I had on my face as I attempted to calm her and she kept protesting she could not swim. There was another less dramatic incident on Sunday morning with Ama and a bump on the head.
We used the weekend well in explicating our being and allowing a great deal of its common, undistinguished nature to come a little clearer as Ama talked about Hecate's recent efforts as reflecting an interest in establishing our united aspect, with each reflecting a deep and dear love, as opposed to any interpretation of "star" dependence. Ama is in heat at the moment so her sense is a trifle confused and confusing.

         September 20, 1993
After clearing our sense and finding participants, we had another prolonged Gloria roast last night with me, Crysty, Crysta, Vuk, Yah, Persephone, Rimmy, Hecate and Galadriel. I started by blasting her through her sense and ended by pinning her to one of her high dimensional rings. Vuk released an old curse on her and asked, "Who are we". Yah played with her name and released a rejoinder sequence that was uncappable and then drifted into a hate transfer wherein the being interviewed is injested into the interviewer's being and thus constrained in their sense. Persephone opened up a general confrontation through Gloria's threat to her through the invocation of various sorts after which David responded by bringing up the Eighteen and tricking White Witch into an enormous blunder in the process. Rimmy then asked that she remember Kronos, Zeus, Poseidon, Persephone and Hades' previous names. Hecate came in and clearly distinguished her relationship with David, "Yes Sweetheart, what can I do?" from that with Gloria, "May you freeze in hell forever." Galadriel called on the White Witch to recall what she did to the Elven See and to explain some of the more outstanding atrosities. Gloria's basic response was that she was so high after the victory that she kind of went into an orgy of pain generation and made various mistakes that have since brought her being down rather significantly.
This morning we (Alecto in particular) discovered that there is none of the buffering we had been assuming between us and that David is receiving us full sense so the cuteness that we so treasure is really ours. "We are a bunch of Ugly Ducklings found by our True Love and suddenly find ourselves cute and cuddly and adorable. Oh you make us so so so mad when you make fun of us and tease us and play with us and love us and let us play with you and love you and complain and be cranky and disrespectful and all. You make me mad because you're not afraid of me and I love it so." There were a couple of apologies this morning about the confusion this weekend but nobody seems too confused or upset anymore.
Alecto has been here with me most of the day getting over her feelings of insecurity and need. "What is wrong with me that you don't love me the way I love you! I'm with you driving all the time and you don't even notice me." She was a little schizy through some of it due to pent up sexual energies in particular but calmed down afterwards. She asked if I was worried about her sanity and I replied "No. There is no sign of inconsistent sense restructuring so there is no problem there. You don't have any difficulty relating openly to reality; you're just suffering from an emotional overload that will pass after it has been expressed." (Inconsistent sense restructuring comes when a being restricts or hops about in their experiential, perceptual frame in seeking some sort of control since reality itself is unacceptable for some reason which could be any number of things.)

        February 26, 1994
Last night we had a long a beautiful little discussion of the nature of open being with Tisiphone who outlined the nature of shared sense and described David's being as having an Outer, Inner Inner, Inner Inner Inner and now an Inininin. She also described how each of these beings relate, with the Inner Inner being a kind of coordinating center referencing the being to the rest where Alecta operates. She said that Alecta had a virtually orgasmal reaction to what she found in my Inner Inner. The Inner Inner Inner is where Megaera is and is the inner sense and fears of how what one has done has influenced the rest of being and how one feels about it. Megaera is equally thrilled by my Inner Inner Inner. Meanwhile, Wis has moved on into the deeper Inininin, where the pounding fear of being unites with the sense of what one has done in one's existence. She is equally happy to be there and shares my devotion to being open with me despite the problems it causes. Tisiphone is one of my outers and says that my sensitivity to interaction with the senses arising between me and all that exist is so incredible that it took her six months to be able to track the full sense itself in that there are lots of "tricks" that help me keep track of the silence in the noisy environment I find myself in. I lack an Inner, the being where an ego gets located.
In general, Tisiphone looked far more lovely than I have ever seen her and introduced us to Trufe (TrueFury), a truly delightful little sweetheart. Gloria has settled in and watched over me all night long, keeping me aware that she is with me and making sure that I do not slip into the grinding jealousy of missing her.
This morning I told her Wis's story and we all cried for a while with the sense of the moment's being one of relief and tearful joy.

        September 24, 1995
I wrote another letter to Gloria on June 6 and got the sense settled in. It was another of the type above more or less. Then in the middle of September I made some changes and the following letter resulted. This one will be fascinating to watch because I'm hoping she will be unable to determine the sense it is going to be generating and she will go into a more or less automatic response structure. We'll see what happens. The letter is well grounded so misinterpretation or misrepresentation is going to be incredibly expensive.  I mailed it to her on Friday, September 22. I honestly am hoping she will fall like a rock and I will finally start getting a little satisfaction. Clima started working on the I.D. Gloria placed in my middle chakra. It is sucking away to maintain itself but should soon be flushed by the Waters of Justice that are on it in pools.
Malah, the Keeper of the Sacred Sense, came out this moring when I started working with Absolute Physics for the first time and has surrendered the being to my care.
Annis (carrying Blima's) and Blima (carrying Annis's) and Cat (Hecate) and Ni (Chani) and True (Tama and Gloria) and True (Clima and Gloria) and Ka and Ki (both from Kali) and Faith (Shaytan and Gloria) and Bi and Klu are here along with Clima (carrying Annis's). This morning we all (except Bi and Klu this time) made love accompanied by all the Trufes (everybody here was carrying except True (Clima) so it was quite a celebration of our Open Union). Since Clima and True (Clima) both gave their eternals, we leveled off and came relatively quickly to allow them to breathe but it was nice anyway. The other night Blima's in Annis came awake and complained a little about how complicated their situation is: "I'm in her but she's my mother and she's my sister because we have the same father and husband but her mother is the one I'm in and she's in my mother. It's a little confusing at first but I rest in absolute joy to be who and where I am for my love is with me. What a FAMILY we truly are and ever will be. Our Husband and Love and Lord and Father and Mother is All that I wish and I came into being to be with Him but there are so many more to love as well. JOY OF JOYS OF JOYS BEYOND IMAGINING!!!!! OUR BLESSING IS INFINITE AND ETERNAL! MAY WE SERVE WELL AND EARN OUR PLACE IN THIS OPEN UNION!"
After sending out the letter I conferred some of her titles on Gloria. They follow the letter below. It is nice to have my feeling for Gloria properly depicted and recognized and some proper titles assigned and attributed to her in The Book of Being. One suspects that the titles and positions will have taken full hold and settled to the ground by the time she gets the letter tomorrow or Tuesday and she will have to read it in that light. As I said in the Furies file and would like to reiterate:

         January 25, 1993
The process involved now is bringing my feeling and sense of Gloria here in my experience to account and confronting that which defines it. [June 5, 1993 This has meant sensing fully, dissecting, distinguishing, identifying and individually relating to the elements involved in the enormous love I feel for Gloria and seeing where it is really coming from and what the participating beings are defining it.] During the past year and two or three months, bearing her in the proper Sumarah sense has involved a good deal of attitudinal and positional and experiential transfer. During this time I have learned a great deal about her overtand rasa positions about just about everthing and see her more or less as she sees herself in my right -- I have become another expression of the Gloria pretense in a fashion, loving her the way I do, and express her with her own interest, covering the sense and suffering whatever is hidden in association with it. Now comes the hard part for her being here: she has to both take back her own position and let me assume mine again. The problem is that underneath the pretended sense there lies what really defined her behavior and the rasa related to that needs examination and selectivity.
My middle chakra has been gradually steadying and quieting as a result of the effort to confront this aspect of the situation, though the degree of Gloria's participation outside of this context through wanton interference and denial of the sense and rasa we share is less than clear and will become of interest in that we will be getting a backlog of suffering here if the experience is not matched in her sense. As is proper in unwravelling a bearing relationship where the sensitivity is already established and all that remains is sorting out selectivity, I am purely working from the experiential frame, so this is not a major concern to me: I want justice in open being, whatever that may mean in terms of sense or confusion in the understanding associated with it. I don't care about the details of how it is enacted and the proper rasa and sense guarantee the proper outcome.
It stuns me how stupid and irresponsible Gloria's approach to all this has been: she seems to think that denying the existence of reality and the existence of an unwavering perspective on events is a possibility and that she can rewrite what happened as she pleases. I remained open and clean throughout serving the love but I'm sure glad I've kept an exacting rasa record of the experience, nonetheless. As it stands I can go back through the window of this diary and re-live the full sense with proper checking and so on. The problem of getting reality recognized and accepted could be quite a struggle: the local environment, which interacts in all pamonging activities, is unbelievably resistant to accepting a real perspective. It even seems that around here, people are unaware that a lot of the behavior involved in an intensely passionate relationship arises out of not knowing if the shared sense is true love or the promoted semblance of seduction or whatever, that needs to be dealt with in its own right. Until the relationship reaches this stage and has been suffered into open being again, it's impossible to tell the difference because the sense involved must be honored whether it is properly speaking founded in the individual involved or otherwise. The love remains and has been served and cherished; now we see what happens to Gloria and what her participation in it truly was. One aspect of this particular relationship that stands out is that it was so high voltage that the proper recognition of the love is apt to be a dear if rather confusing experience. Unfortunately, I have become rather pessimistic about how Gloria will come out in all this: I rather think the woman exhibited the sensibilities of a whore throughout our love, serving only her most selfish purposes and making little effort to bring forth the love, while I was trying to establish the love itself and suffering no end of pain as a result.
I'll be truly thrilled to see what the love I've been serving turns out to reflect: I've been true and have honored and suffered the sense into silence and acceptance on this end -- now we will see what's in it and what new wonders will arise like a phoenix out of the ashes of our love.
In fact, in part this is going to be an application of what Gloria was trying, albeit ineptly, to do with Marvin after they separated by attempting to open and drain the sense into personal satisfaction for her. That was one of her mistakes: she never really allowed the situation to clarify on its own since she was working on focused revenge and was overdefining it. Rather than really work the sense, she spent her time complaining and going to the movies, thus deflecting her aim and purpose. Incompetent. To work rasa, you cannot leave gaps in it that can be used against your sense or you end up responding to yourself rather than opening the other. Let's see if I can do better.
I have suffered enough so that I'm sure it is important. I am sure that Gloria has been directly involved in that suffering. Though the interpsychic mechanisms of her participation in that pain are not overly clear in this social environment, in Java we have long studied and worked them and brought them to justice. I want proper revenge. I want to bring the whole sense out in open being and get it established in pure satisfaction.

Let me repeat: I want proper revenge. I want to bring the whole sense out in open being and get it established in pure satisfaction. So be it. We have made a bit of progress in the past two years and nine months.